Hard to find time for this thing.

I have been immersed in myself lately. So involved and obsessed with getting all the things I need to start my production company. I just recently got one of my cameras, tripod, a couple filters, and a steadytracker. I am going to be opening my business account the first week of December and will be soon after purchasing a computer. Not just a computer. An uncompressed HD editing machine. So many options, so much money. I need to stop thinking about it.

So instead of searching internet forums on the best video editing setup during this slow time at work I spruced up my blog page with a new header and figured I had better write something. I have a cool draft going but am scared to finish it because I don't really know where it is going or what purpose the words/story will have.

I guess we'll see.

Loose Binding.

Just to clear things up, I don't want to end my life. I'm not in the middle of the road waiting to get hit by a car or anything. I just don't want to get my shoes muddy by standing on the side of the road. There are no sidewalks here and the road is slightly higher in the middle then on the sides.

I have picked a good spot to stand. I feel like I am part of a movie scene where the main character has just lost something very precious to him and has found a place of solace, as wierd as the middle of a countryside road may seem, it is perfect.

Somehow the green from the trees adhear to the air. It must be from the sun finding holes in the clouds. There is a beautiful glow. I look down. Cracked asphault beneath my feet slippery from the rain. My eyes follow the solid yellow lines from here to there. Up ahead, probably fifty yards at most the road sweeps to the right. There are no cars here. My ears are comfortable and sensitive to how quiet my mind is. My hair is flat against my head, dripping water down my forehead. My eyes are still full from the clouds above this road, above my head, above these trees. I am looking through a tunnel. Branches bend in, weighed down with this life giving substance that reveals my pitiful position and lack of courage. My mind wants to race but stands as still as my body is.

I glance behind me, my shoulders twist and follow my eyes. My feet still planted. I thought I had heard a car coming my way. I am glad it wasn't. It must have been the wind pushing its way throught the leaves. I think a car would have been disturbing, the noise, it would have put me over the edge I am only steps away from. I just want to be in the midst of silence. I'm scared to even speak. I don't like being startled by sounds and I have been in this quiet place for quite some time now. At least an hour has passed, but I can't say for sure because I do not have a watch and the screen of my cell phone is cracked.

I am hoping I will hear something that I have not heard in a while and if I remember correctly it is a quiet sound.

I need direction and I want God to to give it to me, that is why I am here. I want to feel clean, washed, clear minded. Which I do in part just from this beautiful rain, funny how God works sometimes. I try to remember what it was like when we were speaking. Me and God. I try to recognize what went wrong, what got inbetween us. I just don't know anymore. Maybe that is what I am asking for. The eyes to see. To see what I have chosen in the past and why, what my choices are now and which I should choose.

I am sure I will know His voice again. I will wait until He tells me to move. Until then I know I need to be still.