The answer to many of my problems

I realized that I want to save myself and use God to make me feel better all while acting out a Christian life to mask the emptiness in my heart. I'm not truly seeking God, I just wait for Him and throw up my hands when nothing happens. I'm so selfish and now confused on how to get back to the basics of what a relationship with God actually is. I've lost the realness of it. I've become numb and robot like in the fact that I always say to people and to myself that I want to "do this for God" or "use my gifts here for God." But I think in my heart I am trying to buy happiness from Him. My heart is in the wrong place.